Summerslam Predictions – Darren vs Emerald

This is a suuuuuper long post, but bear with us here.

Finally the card for Summerslam is (presumably) completed, so I brought Emerald back to do what we were planning on doing before the questioning thing: A full card prediction for THE BIGGEST PARTY OF THE SUMMER. Or something.

So we did, here it is. If you can’t be bothered reading some of it, the best matches are towards the bottom, to keep everyone hooked while we are being hilarious banterers.

We also thought it would be fun to do a little competition, so let’s see on Monday who has the most correct predictions. Let us begin! (All the bad language is from Emerald, so be warned there actually is some in one of my posts for the first time ever probably. And it starts almost immediately.)


No caption necessary.

Let’s do this!

Dolph Ziggler vs Rusev

EM: I think, they’re both fairly shit, and I don’t really care what happens in this match because the only thing that I’ll be able to think of is the fact that Rusev’s not even from Russia. That’s stupid. And Dolph Ziggler, his highest point was when AJ cut all of his stuff up on stage. Nothing’s ever gonna be as entertaining as that.

Winner: I don’t know the writers, but I’m gonna say Ziggler.

DH: Ziggler is awesome by the way.

EM: He looks like the missing person from LMFAO.

DH: I’ll probably be starting with the let’s go Cena chants at this point so I won’t be paying much attention. I really like Ziggler, but I don’t really know any background. Sooooo…. I’m going to be boring and say Ziggler as well.

Winner: Ziggler

Team Bella vs Team BAD vs PCB

EM: To be honest the only reason that I won’t be viewing this as a bathroom break is because Paige. I like Paige. So I’m going to say on a hopeful note, that Paige and the other two bitches on her team win.

Winners: PCB

DH: Well I know that PCB, which by the way is a stupid name, I know they changed it because it shared a name with like, a porn channel but still. I know they’ve won like the last couple of matches that I watched but I like Paige and I like the Irish one so I want them to win. This is boring.

Winners: PCB

Kevin Owens vs Cesaro

EM: Going to say Cesaro to win because I think someone called Kevin Owens sounds like he should work at Tesco and not WWE. Disclaimer: I’m not saying anything bad about people that work at Tesco; I really like their sandwiches. Or people called Kevin Owens.

Winner: Cesaro

DH: So, from here on in I think it’s going to be less boring because I think Kevin Owens is going to win. Because he’s awesome…Cesaro’s awesome too…but I think Kevin Owens is going to win. But it’s going to be one of the two best matches of the night.

Winner: Kevin Owens

Stephen Amell & Neville vs Stardust & King Barrett

EM: I’m going to say, Stardust & King Barrett to win because they’re more experienced. They can’t have a King lose (logic) and I like Stardust’s costume (slightly less logic).

Winners: Stardust & King Barrett

DH: Well i’m going to say the other two. Whoever they are *is waving arms profusely* the guy is from Arrow and Neville’s finishing move is called the Red Arrow! Probably, I think. I like that, plus its WWE so they’ll let the famous person win.

Winners: Arrow & Red Arrow!

Prime Time Players (c) vs Los Matadores vs The Lucha Dragons vs The New Day

EM: I really don’t give a fuck about this match. There’s too many people going to be in the ring and I just can’t keep up with it. That’s it.

Winners: The Lucha Dragons They sound funky let’s say them. (Logic has pretty much left the building at this point.)

DH: I also don’t care about this match. But I like the Prime Time Players, I don’t understand how any other team has just magically got a shot and this seems to be pretty much the whole division. So I’m gonna say Primetime Players because “millions a dollas millions a dollas millions a dollas”

Winners: Prime Time Players

Bray Wyatt & Luke Harper vs Dean Ambrose & Roman Reigns

EM: Roman Reeeeigns and Dean Ambroooose. -starts kissing her phone case and rubbing it on her face.- Roman Reigns is bae. (Roman Reigns is on the back of her phone case.) I’m very excited to see Reigns and Ambrose together without that dickhead Seth Rollins. I do like Bray Wyatt, I do, but for this particular match I’m gonna be in my Reigns t-shirt, rooting for Reigns. I think Darren and I are going to have to sit on opposite ends of the table for this match because I know Darren’s going to want Wyatt to win but I think we’re just going to have to lay it on the table now that were separate to be rooting for the other person but console each other and be happy for each other whoever wins, and not rub it in the other one’s face.

Winners: Shield 2.0

DH: So obviously I want the Wyatts to win because I like them. I like Bray, he’s my favourite. I know that Bray beat Reigns at Battleground so I think Reigns and Ambrose are going to win. But I’m going to have my Wyatt t-shirt on and I’m going to be supporting them so I’m going to say they’re going to win. And I think that’s going to be the other best match.

Winners: Redneck City (I do like Ambrose very much, and Reigns too but not quite as much.)

Ryback (c) vs Big Show vs The Miz

EM: Ryback because out of those three he’s ma fav. To be honest I think Miz’ll just be a bit of an annoyance in that match. The other two are massive, he’ll bounce off them and get hurt and that’ll be him out and then once he’s out of the ring the real men can get down to business.

Winner: Ryback

DH: So I also think Ryback, but I also like the Miz. I think he’s good at talking and stuff. The Big Show is just painful to watch now most of the time. The match he had with Roman Reigns was good. But yeah, I want to see Ryback have the title for a while and I think he’ll win. Also he’s got a really weird shaped head, Do you not think? He’s got like a mohican made out of head.

Winner: Ryback


John Cena (c) vs Seth Rollins (c)

EM: I really don’t know. I feel like the writers are just lazy letting Cena win all the time, and I don’t like Cena, his legs are like the exact same length as his body, and it makes it look like he’s shit himself as he’s walking. And I don’t like his hat, I don’t think he’s a very nice person I think he’s a complete control freak, but I also hate Seth Rollins because he’s a big fat betrayer and as much as I want someone to beat Cena I don’t want it to be Rollins, but I don’t think they’d put Cena up against Rollins if that wasn’t the turning point to Cena losing a big match. So I’m going to say I think… that Rollins will win, but I’m not saying that I’m happy about it.

Winner: Seth Rollins (still not happy about it.)

DH: Right, before you start with your faces and stuff, John Cena has very good to match of the year matches with everyone.

EM: Can I just say before you start with your speech about all the things that make Cena great that I’m not interested in the life and time of John Cena just make your prediction and we will move on from this point in our lives.

DH: I hear what you’re saying, but no. You’ve said your piece, all I’m going to say is he continuously has great matches, recently he always seems to be trying new stuff. Most of the time when he talks it still annoys me, and also I think Seth Rollins is really good, He’s been really good in the ring and really good as like a whiny bad guy and I like that.

Winner: I think it’d be really cool to see someone with two belts at once but I don’t think it’s the right time for either of them to lose theirs so I’m going to say Cena wins by DQ.

Randy Orton vs Sheamus

EM: I like them both. I like Orton, I think he’s really good. Love a good RKO, we all know this. And I love Sheamus I think his whole character’s brilliant, and he recently got his septum pierced like me, and my hair needs redone so right now it is a bit orange. And he’s been really funny lately, so I don’t really have a preference I just hope it’s an enjoyable match to watch, and I hope wrestling wins. But I think what’s going to happen is that Orton will win, and then Sheamus will cash in.

Winner: Orton but it doesn’t really matter cos Sheamus will cash in.

DH: Ok, I don’t think Sheamus is going to cash in and thinking about it that would suck to see someone have two belts for like 5 minutes, but I think Sheamus won’t cash in tonight because I want him to have it for a while, the briefcase. I still think Orton’s going to win though, so they can tease a cash in later.

Winner: Orton

Brock Lesnar vs Undertaker

EM: -sigh.- -bigger sigh.- I don’t know. I don’t see why they’d have this match again if the outcome was going to be the same, and I would like it if Undertaker came back and won, I think that’s what everyone wanted at WrestleMania. Maybe they’ve just had that many letters of complaints that they’re going to rectify that tragedy. And I’d love them to stop selling those Eat Sleep Break The Streak t-shirts.

Winner: Undertaker

DH: Ok, I think that you made lots of sense, it doesn’t really make sense for Undertaker to come back and lose. I do think he sounded a little bit whiny when he came back the night after Battleground. And anyone else coming back and attacking Lesnar would have been booed, but I kind of want him to come back with the biker gimmick. That’d be awesome, and since it makes no sense for Lesnar to win I’m going to have to say that Lesnar’s going to win. BECAUSE CURVEBALL.

Winner: Lesnar

EMERALD’S FINAL THOUGHTS: I’m excited for Summerslam this year. I really hope Reigns finally wins and that I’ll really enjoy the Shield vs Wyatts match but the best match overall will be Lesnar vs Undertaker. Cena is a cunt. Reigns rules all. Wrestling is awesome. I hope they have nachos.

DARREN’S FINAL THOUGHTS:  I just want to say that I also think Sheamus looks awesome since he came back, love the beard braids. The best match for me will be Wyatts-Shield and the whole card in general looks really good.

So, who will win the first blog competition? Leave your comments on who made the better predictions! Oh wait, I’m not famous, I won’t be able to get away with that. Never mind, do it anyway, if you made it this far what’s writing one more word gonna do?

See you after Summerslam!

Have a nice day, bang bang! – Cactus Jack


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About Darren Hyland

If I don't see you, good afternoon good evening and goodnight! Check the About Darren page for a bit more on me.

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  1. Summerslam results! Darren vs Emerald | dazaroofortyfour - September 1, 2015

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